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October 19, 2011

2 Years Ago Today: My Therapy

On October 19, 2009 I became the 1 in every 3 women that doctors speak of. I had a miscarriage. I didn't know who to reach out too, why it happened to me, or even what it meant for our family's future. 
I remember the pain. Calling my husband, letting him know something just happened and I was leaving work and headed to the doctors office. I called my mom and explained through tears that I had lost the baby in the bathroom and was on the way to the hospital. My doctor (my cousin-in-law) called in an immediate blood test and while waiting for the results she checked me. The first sign of God's presence, my doctor was in the office and had an opening. A family member could deliver the news of the loss and embrace me while I cried. She began explaining the reasons and statics.
  • That something was wrong with the baby and my body decided that rejection was best and not to hold on to the baby.
  • That 1 in 3 women have or will have a miscarriage.
  • That having a miscarriage didn't mean I couldn't get pregnant again or have a healthy pregnancy in the future.
On the way home, I spoke with my mom. She informed me that my paternal great-grandmother had experienced a miscarriage. My first thought was, why didn't I know this? Why had it been kept such a secret? In that moment, I vowed that I would tell my story, whatever the outcome. My mom always taught me, that we as women need to be a support system for one another. But how could we be supportive if we keep painful secrets from one another. How can we support each other through the difficult times if we don't share those moment?
I must be honest, if  it wasn't for my Aunt Glo and my SiL reminding me of faith and that God doesn't put more on us than we can bear. I might not have made it through my own selfish darkness. I say selfish, because as the week went on I had forgotten that such a loss could impact my husband. That he could be feeling pain and uncertainty as well. And that the same questions running through my mind could be racing through his. We had been fighting and blaming one another instead of leaning on and supporting each other.
Once again God showed up, in another talk I had with my Aunt. She reminded me of all the things the doctor had said and told me that my body was built to carry a baby and that it was at it's most fertile. Instead of fight we starting loving and I found myself a year later on October 19, 2010 holding and praying over our son Yusuf. God is so good!
As I reflect back, I know that on this day our marriage became stronger. There is something about experiencing a loss together and growing from it together that makes you closer. I pray my story leaves you with hope and reminds you that the dark cloud doesn't last always.

nkoyo

2 comments:

Nellie

I am so sorry for your loss, but glad to see how Faith brought your through, its even more awesome that you can look back and see God's goodness in it all.

Nkoyo Robinson

Thanks so much Nellie! It truly was a blessing that brough us closer together.

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